A few years ago I left my teacher after what was for me, but not for him, a serious disagreement. When it was all over I had pretty well scorched the earth. I had cut ties with my teacher's core group, returned to him my certificate of lay ordination, given up the dharma name he had chosen for me, and I had written him an angry letter that contained the line "F--- you and the Dharma you rode in on."
I never did send the letter, fortunately, but spent the next few years neglecting my practice and nursing a grudge. It wasn't pretty. Or healthy.
It's taken me this long to get over myself and to start renewing my practice. For the past couple of months I've been sitting regularly and doing walking meditation. I've been studying more. I've even done some chanting, (although chanting really isn't my favorite practice) Friends, books, buddhists on twitter, these have all helped. If anything, I feel like I'm part of a larger, more diverse sangha than before. That's why I've started this blog. It too is part of my sangha now, or at least an expression of thankfulness for that sangha.
I'm coming to terms with what happened years ago. It makes me feel small that it's taken me this long. If I were a better practitioner, I wouldn't have let things get as far as they did. I certainly wasted alot of time being bitter and I won't get that time back.
I've started to follow my teacher again. I think of him often and recently have been practicing Metta meditation for him. He's not my only teacher anymore. It seems I'm discovering new teachers every day. But he was the first and I imagine his teachings will always live near the root of my practice. Still he no longer looks the same to me. Hard to pin it down but something has changed. Maybe now he just looks more like a human being.
Bowing in gratitude to all Buddhas to be,
hb
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